im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
