Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
