Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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