She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
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Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize