remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i love accidental penises.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
