and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
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She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
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in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?