it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.