i don't like sucking hair
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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