Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
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You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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