if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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