my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
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The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
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The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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