i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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