My liver just broke up with me...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
