are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
