if you like me you must not know who I am
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
