i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
