i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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