she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
