I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
