the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Im part way to drunk.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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