The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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