yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
