Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You need a sexual gate keeper
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
