You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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