What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I've blown a few things in my day
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
