i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
