I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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