Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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