walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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