I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
