I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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