I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
