she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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