You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
