look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Im part way to drunk.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
