I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
