I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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