How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
