i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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