remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish i was in the wii world.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
