I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
