Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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