This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
