I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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