Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
