Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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