Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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