I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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