I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
