I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
