I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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