New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
