I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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