don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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