do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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